I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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