I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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