3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
