yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i think my cat just said my name.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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