I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
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i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So... How much of our rent is drug money?