if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.