Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.