I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
