My hand turned me down
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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