I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
