no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
