my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
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I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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