remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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