I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
