I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
