He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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