i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
