I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
