He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
did i walk over a car last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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