Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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