saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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