She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
