what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
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