Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
