Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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