I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
