its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
