I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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