You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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