so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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