after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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