i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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