My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
