It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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