Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
