Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
