so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
