im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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