Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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