Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
