at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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