If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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