so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Come back. Shots need mouths.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
