WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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