youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize