id be glad to
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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