and you said cock pushups were impossible
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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