Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
