had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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