ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
