my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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