I am midnight drunk by noon
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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