To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
