How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
