Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.