Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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