No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
